freedom

i have a permanent reminder on the inside of my left heel, a reminder from a previous lesson learned. a sticky note wouldn't suffice. i have often covered it with a sock, stuck it inside a shoe, and walked around in awful neglect. i grab things off unending shelves i believe will do the trick, but am left empty and chained to something i never intended to sign myself up for.

but now, now i am beginning to feel it again. i look at the (now faded) black ink and remember why i subjected myself to momentary armrest-clutching pain. idealistically i wanted to always be mindful, but realistically i knew i would have to relearn, as is my usual process. and so we meet again.

i finally feel free. not perfect. not moral. not even good. but free. i believe jesus has offered this to me, and it compels me to learn.

let it snow

it's cold. it's [fucking] cold. there is absolutely no other way to describe it. the lady in waiting has arrived at the ball. making up for lost time, perhaps. and manners she has not. winter is upon us.

it is decidedly so

today i asked the magic eight ball a question. an important question. this was its answer: "it is decidedly so."

if only life were that simple.

stones

i have many thoughts these days. many things i'd like to say. the man steals my time, the tv my zeal. but something is being scripted internally. if the foundation is cracked, cleaning the house is no remedy.

for the past six months i occasionally look at people and see them as little kids. i imagine them around age four with tossled hair and untied sneakers, making ridiculous demands. it's fun. and funny.

my eyes have changed in many ways.

new life

this years new years eve brought a big change for my family. his name is jett alexander fenlaw, and he's perfect and beautiful and he smells good. holding him for the first time made a lot of things i've been stubborn about or that i've been holding onto seem so small and insignificant. it was amazing. i could have held him and stared at him all day long, perfectly content.

that day at baylor hospital, my nasty little heart of stone melted. seeing my brother hold his son simply made me lose it. i even teared up in the car on the way back to austin when i realized my hands still smelled like jett. and then the next day i was that girl at the airport crying while waiting to board my flight back to new york. it's pathetic.

it's funny how new life automatically makes you analyze the life you're currently living. i haven't talked to jesus much in the past year, but lately he's been talking to me. i'm not sure how to listen, but i want to.