duck duck loose

i need to:

get my shit together

organize my life

figure out what i'm doing

get my ducks in a row

all these sayings and more we often quickly utter without a thought. i could offer many logical and rational reasons why we say such things. but the bottom line is we want control. control of how we feel. control of what happens to us. control of how we experience life. control. control. control.

what i have seen in my life time and time is again is something that the phrase "ducks in row" can analogically speak best to. the minute i get one duck back in line and think i'm good to go, three more go running off in different directions. several realities are important to grasp here. first, we do not and will not ever have control of the ducks. second, they will never ever ever be all lined up together. there's this crazy little thing called letting go that comes into play here. it's taken me almost 27 years to [kind of] realize what this means. when a duck runs off, don't chase it. it will waddle back eventually. even if it's missing some feathers or limping a little or covered in shit, it will come back. it will be sorted out. and the time they're gone is purposeful in its own way, as infuriating as it may be.

i have quite a few ducks running amuck these days. and i'm trying to be ok with that. one day they'll waddle back. i guess.