shit.
i'm pretty sure i've bitched about this before, but i don't want to grow up. no thank you. i enjoy being irresponsible and selfish. i like not having to think about things like a career and how much money i have in the bank. and forget about marriage and kids. hell, i'm still a kid. while those last two things can definitely wait, there are certain realities that inevitably come with time. i am an adult. i'll repeat [for my own sake]: i am an adult. even though i may sleep in a twin bed and still laugh at fart noises, this fact becomes increasingly and unavoidably apparent.
one thing that pisses me off about roofgod is that he makes me deal with shit. it's still a fight to trust him [or to even remember he's there] and to let him in every day for fear that he'll bring something else to light. lately, although his involvement seems subtle, i feel like he's making me take a close look at some things in my life. some very uncomfortable things. SHIT. i don't want to think about them or deal with them. i didn't even want to become aware of them in the first place. but i did. and so now what? option one is to kick and scream and protest and try to forget about it. i quickly exhausted that option already, and it wasn't pretty. option two is to suck it up and fucking deal with it. although i still may kick and scream, this is where i'm trying to head.
the funny, or not so funny, thing about dealing with really personal things is that no matter how many people you're surrounded by who support you and discuss said things with you, it is in fact a very solitary deed. i am overwhelmingly thankful for the people i have in my life right now. but this is my shit. and i have to deal with it. i was talking to a friend the other night who's dealing with a tough decision of his own about the loneliness that can accompany these types of decisions and situations. while i was talking through it i realized that there's nothing you can do about the loneliness except choose to trust god. i haven't done much of this lately. but i want to. i think it's my only option for sanity at the moment, so i'll take it.
for now i'll hang on to the twin bed, the treehouse, and all the immaturities that come along with it. but some of my insides need a little work. and i'm starting to be ok with that. ask me again tomorrow...
one thing that pisses me off about roofgod is that he makes me deal with shit. it's still a fight to trust him [or to even remember he's there] and to let him in every day for fear that he'll bring something else to light. lately, although his involvement seems subtle, i feel like he's making me take a close look at some things in my life. some very uncomfortable things. SHIT. i don't want to think about them or deal with them. i didn't even want to become aware of them in the first place. but i did. and so now what? option one is to kick and scream and protest and try to forget about it. i quickly exhausted that option already, and it wasn't pretty. option two is to suck it up and fucking deal with it. although i still may kick and scream, this is where i'm trying to head.
the funny, or not so funny, thing about dealing with really personal things is that no matter how many people you're surrounded by who support you and discuss said things with you, it is in fact a very solitary deed. i am overwhelmingly thankful for the people i have in my life right now. but this is my shit. and i have to deal with it. i was talking to a friend the other night who's dealing with a tough decision of his own about the loneliness that can accompany these types of decisions and situations. while i was talking through it i realized that there's nothing you can do about the loneliness except choose to trust god. i haven't done much of this lately. but i want to. i think it's my only option for sanity at the moment, so i'll take it.
for now i'll hang on to the twin bed, the treehouse, and all the immaturities that come along with it. but some of my insides need a little work. and i'm starting to be ok with that. ask me again tomorrow...
posted by sf at 1:05 AM
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