open i's

i have made my bed. and in it shall i lie.

there are times when you want things to change, and times when they have to. i am currently experiencing the latter.

tail tucked under. hood up. i's down.

black hole, black hole take me away

i am tired [of working [this much]]. the man is relentless these days. losing the mental game, get a grip. i could always use a break, but i feel confident in need right now. next week i wander to the "black hole of texas", as my friend kari calls it. dallas has much more to offer these days. it's come a long way since reunion arena, papagallo's boredom, silver spoons, copeland's popcorn shrimp, and gram's cloud of smoke. i now have a big brother to hug (doubling as a tax accountant to thank), a nephew to hold, and friends to savor. when all my girls are wed (which seems will be soon), i'll find another reason. i don't really like dallas, but i like what it holds.

white flag

there are many days i am not who i want to be. there are many days i am not sure who i want to be. so now i sit here listening to david gray and watching the snow fall outside my window. i am cold and have not much to say.

green which

yesterday i ventured through the marble of grand central station to take a train to greenwich, connecticut to visit a friend. metro north, along with rosie thomas, took me there and back. i needed a break. i needed to clear my head and catch my breath. we went to a park where people were ice skating on a frozen pond. i walked on the ice, careful with each step i took, and pondered the trust of all parties involved, as well as what it might be like to prematurely trust. at sunset i experienced a few quiet moments on an almost empty beach, deep waters in view. mission accomplished. it's good to be home in 4b, but i'm fond of the available escape. hopefully sal, the bartender with dancing pectorals, will serve me again some day.

scrabble

a word is defined as a unit of language, consisting of one or more spoken sounds or their written representation, that functions as a principal carrier of meaning. whether poetry, prose, or verse, the written or spoken word is a dynamic tool with which many things can be communicated - good, bad, and everywhere in between.

we ignore words; we hang on every single one. words are misunderstood, misinterpreted, and taken out of context. words join man and woman in marriage but separate the same in divorce. words express love and hate, humor and sternness, joy and suffering. words enlighten; words deceive. words dishearten; words embolden. words from the mouth of a beloved put knots in your stomach, exhilarate your spirit, break your heart. words are delicate; words are harsh. words can mean everything; words can mean nothing.

words give meaning. words give.

ouch

it is cold.

i am cold.

this is all i see.

still cold.

cold hurts.

better here than there.

the wind is long.

i am not.

i have discovered what has to be the most boring job in manhattan. doorman. especially the guy that stands by the back exit at my office building. he stands there, in his nice suit and tie, for hours on end, making sure he knows the faces coming through the revolving doors. i was going out for a smoke the other day, so i asked him in passing if he ever gets bored. his response: "every day". can't blame him. on my way back in, he had his coat and bag and was headed out. i gave him a high five, as i sympathized with the release he must feel every afternoon when his shift is over.

today was a bad day. it was one of those days where you know you're not on top of your game. you watch it happen but somehow can't redeem yourself. they say we are our own worst critics, but today i was right. i know what i can work on, at least. but i can't help but think about that doorman. maybe he'll switch with me for a day...