cynical thoughts on growing up

time is funny for many reasons. some days the clock moves so slow, but in retrospect time moves so fast. when we're young, we're in a hurry to grow up, which is why little girls want to play dress-up and put on makeup and little boys want to shave before they even have peach fuzz. but time marches on, people get gray/bald/saggy/wrinkled, and they seem to wish for "the good ole days". right now is a strange time of life. there's a lot behind me, but still so much unknown to come. i don't really wish to go back, but i don't want to hurry into a predictable future either. lately i've been thinking quite a bit about the part of life that has become my history.

i must admit i miss the carefree days as a little kid. i miss the days where my biggest concern was what mom packed in my lunch and if i was picked for the good team at playground. i miss playing outside on cold days. i miss the fact that having basketball practice once a week was a big deal. i miss the security i felt at home. i miss the time when you saw your best friends every day at school and had no need for the phone. i miss staying home sick from school and watching matlock while mom brought me 7up and saltines. i miss fighting with my brothers over the front seat of the station wagon. for a time, life was innocent and simple.

it's really interesting to think about the untainted life of a child, i suppose for those who had a pleasant childhood. at the risk of sounding completely cynical, there are things that drastically alter that simplistic innocence. some things i wish i could scrap. but i know many of these things are inevitable in any child's life and are sometimes requisite for maturation.

i wish i could go back before the first bad fall and scraped knee. i wish i could go back before the first time i was sad. i wish i could go back before the first time i lied. i wish i could go back before the first time greed took over my emotions. i wish i could go back before the first time i talked bad about someone. i wish i could go back before the first time i realized that the color of skin seemed to matter to the world. i wish i could go back before the first time i used a curse word. i wish i could go back before the first time i saw something sexual on tv. i wish i could go back before the first time i was disappointed by someone i looked up to. i wish i could go back before the first time i had a taste of alcohol. i wish i could go back before the first time i discovered (dishonorable) making out. i wish i could go back before the first time i snuck out. i wish i could go back before the first time my heart was broken. i wish i could go back before the first time i experienced intoxication. i wish i could go back before the first time i screwed over a good friend. i wish i could go back before the first time i realized how twisted the world can be. slowly but surely, innocent little children evolve into something that can prove quite nasty at times.

although the process of growing up isn't always pretty, there is beauty to be found as you discover life. it's comparable to taking the training wheels off a bicycle. there's something amazing about watching a kid successfully ride without training wheels for the first time. there's a new sense of adventure and freedom. but even as they progress and get better with the bike, there's still a chance they will crash, the chain will come off, or someone will steal it when they're not looking.

so just like growing old, you risk the bad to experience and savor the good. but i guess it doesn't matter what i think because growing up (to a certain degree) is simply inevitable. and i have a few gray hairs to prove it.

so long

today over a late afternoon smoke, or a "cultural exchange" as we like to call it, john musto told me that in 2 weeks he will leave BBH. i'm sad as we've become great friends, but i know it's for the best. musto is not cut out for the advertising world. this is not to say that he's not smart, because i happen to think he's brilliant, but he is simply on a different wavelength than everyone else here. he can quote anything f. scott fitzgerald at the drop of a hat, and he can make a beautiful custom wine box out of 3 different kinds of wood, but he cannot write a presentation, plan for a meeting, or keep an account team on schedule. he's had trouble since day one, but the great part is that he's known it all along. he wanted to try it out, and he did. he put in the hours and effort, but it didn't work out. so he's leaving, bowing out gracefully. "the breakup is as mutual as it gets in my book", he said while recanting the conversation he had earlier today with the head of account management.

my only issue is that i feel most people have sorely misunderstood musto. he's quirky, and you have to take him as he is. it's sad to me that people didn't take the time to try and understand him or get to know him. i can honestly say that my life has been enriched by knowing him, and so naturally i wish he wasn't leaving. not only is he leaving BBH, but he's most likely leaving new york after his lease is up in december. he's going to work at the carpentry shop in brooklyn with the polish guys where he was previously employed, then it's back to chicago to figure things out. after we release him into the wild, i can't wait to see where he ends up because i know it's going to be something perfect and strange.

i'm going to miss him throwing me baseball signs, which either means he wants gum or to go have a smoke. i'll miss the random stories he so gracefully tells which always include people's first and last names. i'll miss the intermittant quotations of great writers and philosophers he casually throws into a conversation. i'll miss the obscure news articles he finds and sends to me. i'll miss the way his pants are always falling down due to his lack of a proper ass. i'll miss his deep thoughts on life. i'll miss hearing about who he recently freaked out in the office. i'll miss listening to vinyl records at his place in greene point. i'll miss being his workplace confidante. i'll miss his incredible ability to whistle any tune with vibrato. most of all, i'll just miss the friend that he's been to me.

so for the next 2 weeks i imagine we'll share many cultural exchanges in the cold. and thereafter i'm sure i'll be making trips to greene point, and he'll probably finagle several last sessions on my roommate's piano. then at the end of the year we'll say so long. it saddens me greatly, but i know i will keep up with him. john musto ranks quite high in my cast of characters; a matchless soul i will truly never forget.

satc

tonight i stayed up writing a long overdue mass email. i just realized i entitled it "sarah in the city" instead of "sarah and the city". it bothers me, but not worth resending, i suppose...

my dearest compadres.

i must apologize for my absence in prose over the past 6 or so months. and i must thank foxy roxy martin for the kick in the pants that made me stay up and write this tonight. i'm still here. still alive. still live in a small apartment. still have a job. still learning new things. still meeting new people. still paying my bills. still soaking up the view from my roof every chance i get. still loving the city.

there are not enough words nor time to bring you fully up to speed. and i honestly don't even know where to begin. i've seen weird things. done weird things. talked to weird people. a few highlights that come to mind were a day spent at coney island where we spotted a 60 year old drag queen salsa dancing (alone) on the boardwalk and seeing jesse spano shopping in soho (i was tempted to sing to her - "i'm so excited. i'm so...i'm so scared!"). all these things aside, the most important highlight for me and my family is jay and emily expecting their first baby boy in january. i'm on a quest to find the coolest baby hipster clothes in new york city. he'll thank me later. as some of you know, i'm not too keen on little kids, but i think i'm about to be ruined. looking forward to it.

there are many more city stories, but lately my hours and my mind have been with BBH. i am currently working on a new business pitch that is sucking my will to live. ok, not really, but it's pretty intense. i have joined the ranks of working weekends and late nights (early mornings), but at least there's an end in sight. d-day is november 8th. hopefully i will resume a normal sleeping habit and the ability to call people back within a 3-day time frame (apologies until then). we're waiting to hear about several new possible clients, and once we do, i've been assured a promotion is waiting in the wings. i'm ready. ready to not be the lowest rung to which all you-know-what trickles. i'm sticking around, though. it's a good place. and this summer we moved into an office with an amazing view of basically all of manhattan, and there's also a staffed coffee bar. as the natural deduction would lead you to believe - i'm over-caffeinated and distracted.

i passed the year mark both in residence and employment, both equally inconceivable. i have definitely changed, but i am much the same. quite a bit has happened in the past year. i have learned a great deal, but i have realized how much more there is to know. and see. and do. it's funny because you spend years preparing for what everyone calls the "real world". and now i'm here, with one year under my belt. and i still don't know what i'm doing. i think there's only so much preparing you can do. i'm lucky if my shoes are tied and i know what street i'm on. life just gets thrown at you, and you have to run with it. sometimes roll, duck, dodge, whatever. life unfolds whether you like it or not. i feel fortunate to have had an overwhelmingly pleasant and beautiful year. i wouldn't say it was easy, but it was definitely natural. i was convinced i was supposed to move here, and i'm still convinced today. how long will i stay is something i get asked often. my answer: until i'm not convinced anymore. that might not be definitive enough for you, but that's all i've got for now. not to go all AA on you, but i'm a day-at-a-time kind of girl.

i'm sure i'll see some of you at christmas or a wedding perhaps. cheers and much love.

sarah

"experience: that most brutal of teachers. but you learn, my god do you learn." c.s. lewis

yo street

nothing to say, really. just a great shot.

you are here

this weekend i took a train to see a friend in wilmington, delaware (the place from where credit card statements hail). she's actually a family friend - her parents were basically mentors for my parents when i was little. her parents were like second grandparents to me. they have both passed, but are still ingrained in my mind forever as incredible people. dorothy and karl were their names, and they helped me reach the realization that people with gray hair and wrinkles could be cool. lisa is their daughter, and she married a guy that got into the credit card business back in the 80s, which is her reason for living in wilmington. lisa is absolutely beautiful, a mother of three in her late forties - one of those hot moms that wears great clothes and listens to the radio.

several years ago, her husband (appropriately named dick) cheated on her and left their family in pieces, or shreds, rather. the settlement was favorable - she'll never have to work and will be more than fine. she got the mansion and the cars and the house in florida, and they still live in unbelievable daily financial comfort. james still cooks them dinner, christina still runs the household affairs, and dan is still handy. but the situation sucks. dick, who was already not the best husband/dad, continues to live up to his name, and her kids have more issues than a magazine. she does the best she can, which is pretty amazing to me, but i still feel incredibly sad for her. but she just keeps on - keeps on loving her kids, keeps on being involved in their lives, keeps on hanging out with her girlfriends, keeps on going to the gym, keeps on being generous to those who have less than her (e.g. me), keeps on laughing. she keeps living. you just have to.

on the way home this evening i was sitting by a window on the train, but the edge of the window kept me from looking too far ahead. i basically was just able to see things as we passed them. first was the rolling hills and thick trees of delaware, then the pennslyvania countryside, and last was the graffitied buildings of jersey, one which read "detox the ghetto". i enjoyed each visual nugget as we passed, but i could never tell what was coming next. i couldn't help but think that life can be like that sometimes. it passes by so furiously, and you can't always see what's coming your way. you just have to look at where you are and try and enjoy it and carry on.

sometimes life is beautiful, but sometimes shit happens and life gets messy. just like it did for lisa. and while it sounds all too generic and cliche, all you can really do is keep living. because some days all you really know is that, just like the sign outside my building elevator reads, you are here.