letter to a friend

hi roxy. i hope you're well.
i'll cut to the chase - i'm writing to tell you that i've given in.
to god.
to grace.
still not sure what that means, but here's how it went.

after the new year, i felt as though god [or roofgod as i sometimes like to call him] and i were in checkmate. he'd ask if i trust him. i'd say no because he hadn't show me anything. then he'd say we'll just wait, and we'd go back to our respective corners. one of my friends here put me in my place by telling me that if i want to know who roofgod is i might have to look a little. so the next night i went to church. JR, the pastor of apostles, spoke about grace. i've heard about grace plenty, but this time i HEARD about grace for the first time. it completely knocked me on my ass. i spent the following week thinking through it and talking with a few friends about it. it was appealing for the first time, but i kept saying i didn't feel ready. JR asked me to go to lunch, so we got together friday of that week. he listened to my junk and gave me a few things to think about. he made the analogy that i was raised on a color by number system - rules were the name of the game. he said we're not even supposed the be the ones doing the painting. we're the canvas and we hand that over to god and let him do what he wants with it. there's no format, no rules, and no two paintings ever look alike. he said my perspective on trusting god is that it's this big ordeal where i sit down to sign this massive contract with a million subpoints. and i think that because i can't agree with all of them, that i just can't sign it at all. it doesn't work like that. it's not about that at all.

later that night i went out dancing with a group of people and got home around 4am. i didn't drink at all that night, and i say that to put what i'm about to say in a sober context. i got ready for bed, but was unable to turn out the light and actually lay down. it's as though god wasn't letting me go to bed until we settled this thing. i just sat there staring blankly for a while, offering my last ounce of resistance. it occured to me that if i wait until i'm ready, that may never happen. in that moment i heard god [i still hear him vividly] say to me "do you trust me?". i was quiet. he then said "what about today? can you trust me today?". i slowly realized and said yeah i guess i can do that. there were no fireworks, no magic, not even really any emotion, and i woke up feeling the same the next morning. but i had this sense of relief. i gave in and it felt good. i don't say "gave in" to give a negative connotation, it's just the best way i can describe it. i kicked and screamed and fought and resisted until i could no more. my fight's not over. it's just a different fight.

today it's simple. today i just want to know who god is. today it seems too good to be true. i'm not doing anything different or cleaning up my act or ANYthing. i'm just being me. trusting him today. trying to know him today. i'd be lying if i said i wasn't scared. i'm scared shitless. i'm scared that this will be like every other time i've "tried" and that i'll lose interest, get frustrated, and walk away again. but here's the thing - i was never "there" before. i wasn't really anywhere. it's no wonder things never stuck for me. i was going at it without grace. and without grace it IS just a set of man-made religious bullshit rules. no wonder i hated it. "it" had nothing to do with god, and everything to do with people. i had it all wrong. now i feel like i'm just barely beginning to see it as it really is. see god as he really is. and i don't care about church or religion or pleasing people or behavior or any of it. i just want to know who he is and to understand more about his grace. that's it. and i'll fight to keep it that simple.

i had to tell you all this, roxy, because you know where i've been. and i know you've thought and prayed. most importantly, you've just loved me as i am. and for that i'll always be grateful. i love you.

s