all or naught

all or naught.

while i'm unsure as to how this came about, this is me. it's what i am. it's what i do. i simply can't help it.

as i write this, i'm listening to a ray lamontagne song on repeat because i can't get enough.

see. i told you.

i find it to be a blessing and a curse. i'm loyal to my friends, but can be a real bitch to someone i don't really like. i work my ass off in music, but was horrible at my old [miserable] job. the summer i was 15 i would wake up at 5:30am every morning to go to the gym with my dad so that i could be in shape and make varsity basketball. the same year i quit volleyball because it didn't come as naturally. in college i either studied for an A or relied on wehner high prayers alone. it's probably also [one of] the reason[s] having just ahhh beer is difficult for me.

if i favor something, i jump at it. it's not ambition, it's natural gravitation or pull or something that feels mysteriously outside of my ability to choose. if i do not favor something [enough], i can't be bothered with it. i don't half-ass. i just don't do. i am absolute shit at the in between. [pause while i restart the ray song. it's called shelter. you should check it out.]

today a thought occurred to me that much in life is in between. it has crossed my mind plenty, but today i listened. i think/know i should be better at letting things just be in between sometimes. how do i do this? who knows. i feel bad sometimes for being this way. but then there's this overwhelming need i have to be honest about everything, be it pretty or not. so maybe i'm back to square one, which is about where i exit...